Preying

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One of the few creatures we have found in New Zealand is the eel and his cousin, the lamprey. Over the course of my stay here, I’ve run into a practice unique to New Zealand that links the lamprey to human health. People who practice this sort of science, called Preying, use the lamprey to balance nutrients within human blood.

There are a number of blood tests that can be done to determine the optimal levels of all the amino acids and other nutrients needed for good human health (if anyone doubts that I need the Preying procedure, I’d be happy to provide the conclusive evidence born out in these tests). These are not simple blood tests that look for particular flags like in normal blood screening. Rather, these tests reduce the blood into its components. It isn’t at all difficult to determine what these components should be for a healthy person. From there, Preying strives to regulate blood, to remove excess nutrients and leave nutrients that are correctly balanced. In this way, the chemical balance of the blood can be regulated and maintained.

Who even knew that much of what ails us is due to a chemical imbalance of the blood!

Twice per week now, I am visiting the offices of my local Preyer. She has all the certificates and papers needed, so I trust her with my health completely. All I have to do is pay a low fee per visit, NZ$55, and she lays me down, takes her scientific blood tests that determine how healthy I am, and then she attaches one or more of these lampreys to various parts of my body, depending on the areas that produce or concentrate particular nutrients.

It isn’t always comfortable, like last week when she attached a particularly vicious-looking meter-long lamprey to my scrotum, but I think it’s well worth the pain, the cost, and the total abandonment of reason and common sense to provide me with the peace of mind that my health is being taken care of by someone else - anyone but me.

Comments

Anonymous said…
You should bring it back over to the States and make a fortune!
4:17 PM
Anonymous said…
I'd try the Preying, but my dermatologist says it might affect my complexion. Do they have it in pill form?
4:19 PM
Anonymous said…
I, for one, would like to see those tests. Have your experts been approved by the AMA?
4:22 PM
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