17 February 2006

EPA Creates Face Shooting Standard

Washington D.C. - Spurred by a recent string of cases in which famous or powerful Americans in the upper 0.001% socioeconomic bracket have fired projectiles into the faces of other Americans (famous, powerful, or otherwise), the Environmental Protection Agency has been urged to set safety guidelines for similar future cases so Americans will know precisely how much being-shot-in-the-face is actually safe.

Among the details in the 746 page Countenance Impact Study (CIS) are levels of safe shot size at particular distances given the gauge of the shotgun in question, number of grains of powder per shell, and wind speed at the time of the occurrence. Surprisingly, most buckshot is still considered safe for the being-shot-in-the-face guidelines, as long as the formulas listed even out across all factors.

“Being shot in the face doesn’t have to be unsafe,” says EPA special studies expert Dr. Ralph Remmington. “Even twelve or ten gauge shot guns can have safe distances or powder combinations for being-shot-in-the-face occurrences. The last thing we want is for the public to feel at all threatened by these recent cases. Our very lengthy, detailed, and mathematically and scientifically sound data erases most if not all of the harms that were formerly assumed to accompany being-shot-in-the-face events.”

When asked about the high percentage of deaths among those affected by being-shot-in-the-face cases, Remmington remarked “Given our recent mathematical data, and the data we have been able to assemble through extrapolation from other cases when the very wealthy have shot into the faces of the populace, we have concluded that the deaths of those involved were not necessarily related to the being-shot-in-the-face case in question.”

Asked to remark further on this phenomenon, Remmington said “Other factors could have related to the demise of those shot-in-the-face individuals. For example, some have been shown to have severe heart ailments whose recurrence coincided, at random, with the being-shot-in-the-face event. In even more cases, we believe, the individuals in questions are likely to have suffered from a genetic being-shot-in-the-face condition that lies well outside the bounds of accountability by the shooter.” The EPA’s CIS elaborates on this point, using evidence from some of the nation’s foremost geneticists, stating that Americans have a nearly 100% genetic predisposition to harms resulting from being-shot-in-the-face cases. This alarming finding is no cause for concern, however, according to Remmington.

“Scientists and other people wearing white coats are working around the clock on applications for the now-mapped human genome. The multitude of research based on these findings, done primarily by the nations largest and most important corporations, include all manner of data linking any number of toxins, hazards, syndromes, and even being-shot-in-the-face cases to the internal workings of each of us, ridding our need to blame external sources for society’s problems in the future. It’s only a matter of time before we discover the being-shot-in-the-face gene.”

“It all lies within us,” Remmington concludes. “We must take responsibility for our own genes. Even if it requires us to be shot in the face by rich people without filing a frivolous lawsuit.”

15 February 2006

Top Ten Cultural Lies

10. Growth is good.
9. Globalization helps the poor.
8. Corporations and governments care about people.
7. Scientific progress is beneficial to living things.
6. A degree or diploma confers expertise or wisdom.
5. Money = wealth.
4. There are enough resources to endlessly supply our overconsumptive and wasteful lifestyles.
3. Consumption by the rich does not deprive the poor.
2. Cancer, heart disease, obesity, endocrine syndromes and neurological disorders (Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Multiple Scleroisis, Autism, et al.) are genetically inherited.
1. There is a level at which toxins are OK for living things.

07 February 2006

Dr Will and The Globalization World Tour - Stop #1

Having liberated most of the developed world with his in-your-face, get-with-the-program therapy, Dr. Will decided to embark upon a quest to offer his unique brand of services to the rest of the globe. He figured that if the North could use his support, the poorer, more desperate South might respond to his aid even more. Dr. Will convinced himself that he was destined to reach all of those in need, considering how well-intended, well-received and well-off he had become in the past few years.

First stop: Honduras.

The setting for Dr. Will’s reception in this country was a newly constructed outdoor amphitheatre build from native old growth trees from the Amazon just for his visit.  Nearly 3000 people turned out for this makeshift, self-help retreat, but the focus of today’s treatment was an 18 year old girl, Rosa, jailed for the past five years and recently released. Rosa’s mother was concerned about her past acts of delinquency and rebellion against the state, and worried about Rosa’s prospects for the future. Hopeful that Dr. Will might set her back upon the right track, Rosa too looked for answers from this guru and sat on a stool on the stage next to her mother and the good doctor, much like on Dr. Will’s widely popular television show.

“Now Rosa, let’s start with explaining to these people,” Will points to the audience, “just how it came about that you got yourself into jail.”

“Well, I was working at the Sean John factory in the maquiladora trying to help my mom pay for my little brother’s school. With my salary of 31 cents an hour, we had enough to afford rice and beans for breakfast and dinner, and still send Jorge to school, but we couldn’t afford water. Since the takeover of the water supply, water cost $12 a week, and that was nearly ¾ of my salary.”

Rosa continued, “I worked 15 hours a day, so by the time I got home at night, it was too late and too dangerous for me to venture down to the river on the other side of town to gather some buckets for our family’s needs. Besides, Juanita was telling me that everyone in town was getting sick from the river water, anyway. It flowed downstream of the Chiquita farm, and the planes come and spray that place nearly every week. Juanita’s brother was born without eyes, and they say it’s from the spray.”

“Rosa, it sounds like Juanita is a fairly negative young woman. You might want to try to get people like that out of your life.” Dr. Will advised.

“Juanita’s my bestest amiga!”

“We can talk about Juanita later, Rosa. Please continue with your story.”

“OK. So anyway, I put our buckets on the roof to collect rainwater so we could drink and clean. Two days later, they came and arrested me.”

“So they put you in jail for collecting the rainwater?” asked Dr. Will, to reiterate the point.


“And who, by rights of state, owned that rainwater?”

“I don’t know. Bechtel or Vivendi or Coca-Cola or some other --.”

“So you admit that you were being a typical rebellious teen, stealing water that wasn’t your own, breaking the law and expecting to get away with it?”

“What? No ….”

“Rosa, girl! You just can’t do that! You just can’t decide what laws you will and will not obey. Don’t you understand that? With rule-breaking, there are consequences. You do understand this, don’t you?”

The crowd applauds.

“Well, yeah…”

“You don’t want to land in jail again, right?”

“No. But—”

“And you want to really be of help to your family now, right?”

“Yeah. But—”

“So let me tell you what I am gonna do for you, Rosa. I’m gonna set you up with Maria here. She’s a local water counselor here in Honduras. She’s an expert in the field of water preservation and did her PhD studies on water deprivation. She’s able to go for five days at a time with no water whatsoever! Would you be willing to accept Maria’s help?”

“I guess…”

Crowd applauds and cheers again.

“And I’m going to give you a free autographed copy of my new book, Will You Just Behave: Who Made You Think You Know What’s Best for You?

The crowd whoops with approval. Another woman saved. Another country liberated.

The Game Never Named, the Addendum Never Spoken

Remember that silly game we used to play with fortune cookies from Chinese restaurants? Maybe people still play it. It’s the one where...